Current Music: Relient K..
I like to write. I just realized - maybe I like to write only to talk about myself. Is this another outlet for self-obsession? Well, I hope not. I like to write about what God is doing in my life, lately. I would also like more time to work on piano playing. The old 9 to 5 (actually more like 8 to 7 here lately) tends to keep me from being able to do more things I "want to do." I guess that tends to happen to most people working for a living. The weekends disappear all too quickly. That stuff doesn't seem like it would be very good at paying the bills, and finance is probably where I'm meant to be, as long as the hours don't get too crazy. I think I would like to write a book at some point.
Anyway, I've mentioned that I like to go back and see what I've written. Part of this also seems somewhat vain, going back and quoting myself, rather than someone more qualified like, I don't know, maybe God. But some of this is basically just restated truths I've learned from God's Word, so I think it's okay.
Near the beginning of the year, what was going through my mind?
"I just want to live every day for God's kingdom."
"I want God to constantly keep me humble and dependent on Him."
"I pray that this will always be my attitude. That I won't lose that awe, that wonder of what God has DONE, and continues to do."
"I hope that I will never stop longing, never stop clinging to God, and that I will believe His truths, that NOTHING will be able to separate me from His love."
Seems awfully ambitious and humble, but I can't say that this describes me very well. It does seem to be a lot of "me me me" but it's all related to what God is doing and relying on Him. But again, it isn't always my attitude, much as I pray that it were. I have doubts, but I think about saying things like 'I want God to keep me dependent on Him.' I've been frustrated and stubborn about this (hopefully temporary but ongoing two months nonstop now) tinnitus. Often I don't want to rely on God, and I think it's pointless for me to go through something like this. How great are my doubts and my pride! Thinking I know what's best for me... I should know better by now. I can start to see all the ways God is using this purposefully in my life for good reason, in spite of my own refusal to accept what's right in front of my face.
I even think about something I said recently.. that as hard as it was in the past several months to go through some tough times, God was exposing my sin and drawing me closer to Him and it was very rich. I said that this "health stuff" was frustrating because it was more just related to brokenness in the world and not really related to "my sin" leading me to God. That's kind of ridiculous. Of course it's still about my sin. How could I not see that God is using this to again show me my pride, my unbelief, my impatience. Lack of faith.. lack of trust. When trials come, if you wilt under it and don't have faith, that shows you still have a ways to go. I've gotten frustrated that this basically minor "health issue" which seems silly and really not serious like so many others I could be dealing with, can still weigh on me and lead to worrying. Yet while not debilitating, it can be very frustrating and drive me crazy sometimes. And that is exactly where I need to stop looking inward again, and look upward, to God, like He wanted me to all along.
So I stop here, and cannot think of a better way to end than with some verses from James, a much greater writer than me, who composed some very powerful, God-inspired truths.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."